Jon's Ego (in print form!)

The huge fan of Nip/Tuck that I am, I called up show creater Ryan Murphy last night to ask him about the absolutely ridiculous season finale. He listened to my comments then told me the show would have been even better had they not had to cut out some scenes for time. To show his appreciate (the man loves his fans) he sent me a copy of the original script. He even sent me a preview of next year’s season finale.
I’ve posted all the scenes here for your reading pleasure.

*In Quintin’s secret lair*
Q: Ok, I’ve got it! I’ll finally capture my archenemies who I’ve been stalking for 2 years, then instead of actually doing anything, I’ll have you fake shoot me!
K: But won’t someone notice you’re not dead and still breathing?
Q: No, we’ll just have the editor do a couple dissolves and cut to a new scene as fast as possible!
K: My, God! You are a genius! Then lets have an entirely too tidy wrap up scene in Spain!
Q: Fine, but only if you explain my motives to everyone first.
K: But if I do that, everyone will realize who I am. There’s no logica reason for me to take that risk.
Q: Not if the writers come up with a halfassed explanation like “I needed them to understand you”.
K: Ooh that’s good! Oh, Quintin, you had such an ingenious disguise all year!
Q: What disguise?
K: You know, the way you acted like the Carver the whole season so that everyone thought you were the Carver so that when you turned out to be the Carver, everyone was…not surprised at all. Wait a minute, that doesn’t make sense.
Q: Yeah, I kind of *beep* up on that part.

*Meanwhile at the McNamara residence*
S: Hey son, you’re back. What happened to you today?
M: I was kidnapped, tortured, forced to cut off another man’s penis, and helped kill another man. You?
C: In one day we were kidnapped, tortured, solved a two year long mystery, flew to Maine and back, and realized the Carver is still alive and could be anywhere.
M: So what do you guys want to do?
S: Eat dinner and pretend nothing happened?
M and C: Yay!
A: I wish this dinner scene was longer. I’m only in the opening and closing of each season…
J: Don’t worry, honey. Soon you’ll be old enough to have sex and the writers will actually have something to do with you.
S: Hmmm it sure is odd that every villian’s mystery revolved around their penis. Ava shockingly had a penis. Quintin shockingly didn’t. Did anyone check Escobar’s penis?
J: I did…
C: Oh, Julia, you’re such a whore.
Everyone: Hahahahaha!
A: God bless us, every one.
*One season Later*
C: Oh my God! Our new best friend Fernando actually has a penis growing out of the small of his back! How can this be?
F: Muah hahahaha! Now you see, my evil agenda against your business and therefore metaphorically against society’s obsession with perfection is all explained by my hideous back penis!
S: It’s shocking!